this movie.

Grow old with you.

"I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
Oh all I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna...

Grow old with you.

I've got a confession to make. This song, is about you."

this. is a movie that made me well up in tears of joy and feeling all marshmallow inside. this old vintage film when adam sandler is still young.. made me teared. its such a sweet movie where you ll feel that love exist, and its not just some bullcrap that breaks and aches people. its just so pure and simple..like a huge magnetic field where only 2 people with the same 'frequency' can feel the gravitational pull. this is not a show with loud explosives or big hoo ha. its a show about, love.

and for that moment, i rekindled love.

its such a shame, that a word i once felt so strongly for, has diluted within a span of 6 months. i want it back, so bad that i kind of pushed myself a little too hard. i have destroyed and revived me so many times that i felt numb. so much so that i vaguely, no. i barely know whats love anymore. i didnt even bother to care who stood by me all along, and who assured me that im not alone. i just kept avoiding, and avoiding and avoiding. as if avoidance unravels all.

but heck no. what i thought i could live without, actually cant. because end to end, i love love. i want it. i want my infinite love, i want a man that i can fall back on, i want a tough shoulder to handle my overactive tear ducts, hugs that makes me feel safe. i am needy, and i want a man, my man that belongs to me, that has only me in his eyes, and love me because i have flaws that ironically compliments me.

for the first time after 6 months, i want genuineness.

i feel floaty now. what a surrealistic notion, i bet not everyone can imagine what im experiencing right now. maybe none, even. i feel like a prize to be won. men comparing what each other has done or has to offer, and proclaiming that they can do better. i dont need better. i need wholeheartedness. and i dont need superiority. not at all. so please quit assuring me how well you ll treat me. because i'll know when you really are. i will.

i have uncertainties, for all the men. who they truly are and what they really want, down to their deepest core of bones. their motives; intimacy or purely an exchange of chemistry of love? i used to have a pretty close guy friend who tells me how horny he is and how many times he f-ed his girl, and how good it was.

is that, love? or just plain pleasure? i wont know, cause he's a total crap to me now. fancy making a mockery out of my misery when i needed support. i will step his shoes so hard that it will look like ronald macdonald's when i spot him on the streets. he wasnt genuine in wanting to be my friend. not genuine at all. oh friends, what a scary word, you think?

i have walls around me. so high and sturdy that even i myself have problems tearing it down now. i used to let my guards down.. this is how we all learn - the hard way when you experience excruciating pain. and now i chickened out at almost everything that has love in it...

but now, i will want my genuine man to break through it and come running for me,

just for me.

jess.

p.s: the movie titled: "the wedding singer"