so much, too much.

exams have finally, finally had enough of tormenting me. those late nights, those sleepless nights, those nights. those.. bittersweet nights. a hell of a 3weeks i'd say. so many peculiar incidents that magnify so much more. exams, just seem like its in a miniature form, quietly seating there waiting for me to conquer it all. Which i guess i've gave it my all. i did, no regrets. i dont deny that i have wear off half way through, fell sick, got out of it, and got the momentum going. needless to say, work has took a toll on me too i supposed. frankly speaking, i cant really handle school and work altogether, feel the statement's at its best during exams period. now i feel old, used to be able to manage so much more. used to be.

i am always constantly getting myself whirl up in a pool of strange explosives. its where things or rather, beings, will, out of the blue-est of blue, blast and burst into my life. with the best they've got, and with all the amazing colors to paint my canvas, all for me to embrace it all. which i appreciate, so much more than more, and with a teeny secret of being extremely thankful that people actually do keep a little of me in their life. acknowledging my existence, and taking in all of me. it is just so gratifying to learn that, despite the fact that people are always in and out of my life. as if i am always open to explore and venture. explore, explored.

some times, i think i pry a little too much. some things are just that simple and i'll always reserve a 'but' or 'what if'.. the tremors of me getting more and more unnerve is eating me up. so many what ifs are in my head. why cant i be like one of those who'll just dive right in, fearless? why the crazy mothergoose am i so afraid...i wonder, who made me who am i now.. and who, has gobbled up my bravery? i need it back. i need it back so bad.

often, i feel that ive owed so much because everyone's been so kind, too kind, way too caring to me, that i have to be there for them. i dont mind the sacrifices, i dont mind the heart that aches and protest, i dont mind to give you me because you have given all of you. i know, i damn right know this is not an exchange of acts, but..i cant help it. i know its not suppose to be like this, but how else can it be? how can i not feel that im owing this much? how can i possibly bear? unless my conscious has been chewed off and i have none. but no, it isnt the case.

but... i get so sad when people are mean and not kind. so i dont wish for them to be mean, neither do i want them to be too nice, nor ignore me. see? see that? this is me. always, always full of contradictions and paradoxes. this crazy me that always headbutt walls cause my thoughts are not in trains, but in a vicious cycle that seems to make me ponder forever. i ponder forever. it never stops. i dont think it ever did.

i, am on a journey. and i know i will eventually unveil those confusions and unravel all my contradictions. i am on a time journey, with hopes that one day, someone will hop on and walk with me.

will you?

jess.