rock-bottom.

you know, today i was feeling so so lousy. I roam around in town after work and I realized i do not want to go anywhere, i got a little panicked because i always have somewhere in mind. but no, i dont... and ended up i went home.

walking home, i kept thinking what can i do when im home, i cant sleep even thou im lethargic and tired.. i cant eat cause ive got no appetite. thing is, i didnt eat anything, not even the muffin that Catherine bought to cheer me up. Im just so so, so sad.

and whenever i am sad, i realized too, that i will make myself exhausted, physically exhausted so it overwrites my mental exhaustion. it struck me to go for a swim. Went for a good 1 hour and funny thing is, i cant stop thinking.

i think about the most random things, like, what if theres a big white shark tailing me behind, would i stay calm or would i chock on the chlorine water.. or will i just let it gobble me up because im pretty sure it'll spit me out cause im boney and i dont taste very nice.. i think about having comfort food like macaroni cheese and snuggle up in bed and sleep thereafter. I also think about what if i just drown and die or the chlorine water just suddenly turned acidic, i'll be dissipated into the pool of acid.

then i went "what the hell jess, you're so pathetic. swim faster than your thoughts so you wont think so much" and i smirked at my stupidity... as if i can swim faster than my thoughts. my brain works like a manic, since when my body is able to keep up with the pace?

what an embarrassing moment to weep like a little girl infront of my colleagues, i didnt exactly weep but my tears were streaming.. never felt so lousy... i guess as we all grew older, we have all these to squeeze us so dry that we can just jump off the building any moment.

talking about that, Helena just committed suicide. jumped off from her window just yesterday and she's just 24. Life, what could we all expect? unpredictably short yet agonizing but makes you want to make it better all the time. Otherwise we are all better off dead isn't it? Rest in peace Helena. Even though im not your closest, but still, may you rest in peace.

sigh. rock bottom today. the amazing thing is, i didnt eat.

when you're so upset about everything, your stomach just.. miraculously fill up by itself. Either that or your stomach knows you're upset and its not the time to whine and grumble for food like it always do.

if penicillin can be made out of moldy bread, im sure i can make something out of me.
sleep my aches away.

jess.