"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
and this...
"I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think i have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things ive had to overcome. - Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and i guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life in okay. That i never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken i am, and how im holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No will will ever know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why i am the way i am."
and this..
"I want somebody to sleep with the rest of my life, & cuddle up during a movie, on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams, make love in the candle light, in the car, in the shower. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers, once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think “this might make my girl smile” as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he’s got. and enough to not make me feel..scared."
you know everyone in the world has such a different way of perceiving things. I have mine too.. i think, i think hard everyday.. thinking, am i having some crisis of feeling afraid of being broken by you if we were gonna carry on...? i think ive freaked out. im so scared that if im too into this i will break down and die if we were to end it. ive seen friends, relative broke up after 7 years, 8 years, and even a 10 freaking year. im also tired.. of thinking so hard. thinking what the hell is wrong with no one else but..me.there's alot of what ifs in my head. alot of ambiguities and uncertainties. alot. so much that it's gonna explode. and that's the time where i feel like banging my head and slap myself and cry to sleep.
help, there's a disaster in me. i need a break from everything.
jess.
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