i have been writing this entry for the longest of time, it never seems to place every single disconcerted thoughts i have. this feels foreign, because its rarely like this. i am in a dire state of needing to pick up my wrecked emotions. today, this entry is written with a heart that is so heavy, that i dont even know how do i express myself of how much it weighs.
you know, when you are challenged and take on by your own world, it's where too much is too much. In the midst of wanting to better everything, and you realized there is only this much you can do and it is not even close to enough... i get lost, i get so lost and all i am capable of doing is cry.
i know right, fucking useless. i feel that im a horrible person, and i dont like how i feel. i get frustrated with myself some times, because i am greedy. i want too much i think too much i snack too much i care too much i cry too much i love too much i sleep too much i worry too much i get upset too much i hurt too much i want too much i want too much too much too much too much.. i am greedy. i want too many too much.
i want perfection too much. that makes me think too much and screw things up. thats probably where "take it easy, go with the flow and everything will path its way naturally" comes about. how to take it easy and go with the flow when people and things that you held close to places such an importance to you? how do i do it? when i cant afford to screw thing up, i screw things up.
ive made my parents so worried, ive made my boyf so tired, ive made myself so embarrassed, ive made my friends worried, i have made everyone so drained. jess oh jess, what happen to you? everything is falling apart in me. my slow strolls lately has always been teary, an unexplainable ache never fails to engulf and suffocate me.
everyone tries to put up a facade of how great things are going on because they dont want to created unnecessary worries, people keep quiet to give in, and to please. we are such amazing creatures that is so considerate most of the time, that people starts to think otherwise; superficiality, niceness, suspicion. its the heart that matters, i'd say.
we dont need to be mean and hostile to tell people to appreciate our niceness, we dont need to speak to be understood, we dont need to do things that we hate or dislike to hope that things will turn out for the better.. i am tired, i know my shoulders cant take more, neither can my heart, or any of me.
fall, i am falling so, so bad..
jess.
you know, when you are challenged and take on by your own world, it's where too much is too much. In the midst of wanting to better everything, and you realized there is only this much you can do and it is not even close to enough... i get lost, i get so lost and all i am capable of doing is cry.
i know right, fucking useless. i feel that im a horrible person, and i dont like how i feel. i get frustrated with myself some times, because i am greedy. i want too much i think too much i snack too much i care too much i cry too much i love too much i sleep too much i worry too much i get upset too much i hurt too much i want too much i want too much too much too much too much.. i am greedy. i want too many too much.
i want perfection too much. that makes me think too much and screw things up. thats probably where "take it easy, go with the flow and everything will path its way naturally" comes about. how to take it easy and go with the flow when people and things that you held close to places such an importance to you? how do i do it? when i cant afford to screw thing up, i screw things up.
ive made my parents so worried, ive made my boyf so tired, ive made myself so embarrassed, ive made my friends worried, i have made everyone so drained. jess oh jess, what happen to you? everything is falling apart in me. my slow strolls lately has always been teary, an unexplainable ache never fails to engulf and suffocate me.
everyone tries to put up a facade of how great things are going on because they dont want to created unnecessary worries, people keep quiet to give in, and to please. we are such amazing creatures that is so considerate most of the time, that people starts to think otherwise; superficiality, niceness, suspicion. its the heart that matters, i'd say.
we dont need to be mean and hostile to tell people to appreciate our niceness, we dont need to speak to be understood, we dont need to do things that we hate or dislike to hope that things will turn out for the better.. i am tired, i know my shoulders cant take more, neither can my heart, or any of me.
fall, i am falling so, so bad..
jess.
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