shoot me.

today, i walked down a memory lane, wrote it all in a letter, and teared. i was angry, yet sad. there was so much that unfolded, and so many what if.. people told me, there should be falls and hurt, so we can learn. that makes us who we are, shapes us. if everything's perfect, there will be no cherish, no appreciation. And that people will take everything for granted. but is that really true? must we really fall to rise? or the fact that we are just brainwashed into this what we call "fact", that we HAVE to fall to rise, to fall to learn. i do not agree to this. i hate this 'we need to falter to learn' or 'learn the hard way'.

so am i suppose to beat myself up to love me?

people do not need to get themselves hurt to appreciate things. they dont need to get bitten to know there's poison. because who knows, once you got hurt, you might never recover and never be ready to even learn, or touch or have any contact of that thing that hurts you.

that, was my frustration, my inner struggle.

i dont like to learn the hard way. i do not want to feel pain to appreciate. because i appreciate with or without pain/hurt. so dont go hurting me. but oh. people just do it dont they? they put you through this agony and expects you to recover and accept and learn. yes, learn it the hard way.

if this statement is true, why arent teacher carrying whips and butcher knives to create fear and anticipate children to learn?

i just dont get it. you dont have to murder someone to know how bad it will be. you know because just by the thought of it, disgust that action. and if by thinking, you cant even feel any remorse, then why the action even?

5 years.. the period where i grow.. and mature.. from a 48kg fat-ass that feels that she existed just to have people break her heart and gloat about it to a 42kg fat-ass (still) that thinks love is a horrible thing due to all the heartbreak. yes it can be amazing, but it can give you hell. it really can.

my friend told me "i dont know if i should say yes, im not ready for another heartbreak. my ex just called me a slut and ask me to fuck off on twitter" true enough my dear, we all arent ready for another heartbreak. i'll be here with you, all the way. you have me, even though im pretty little in size.

but seriously, why do we even think about heartbreak way before we even commit? because my dearest universe of the stars and moon, we are too broken to even try. we are afraid. there is not a single bit of courage left. there is fear in us. which brings me to what ive written initially, that i do not agree to 'learn the hard way'. me and my girl-friend definitely feels this way.

Sure there are chances to grab, to make amends. but just how much can u fix it? or get it right? my friend, DONT you ever, ever think of breaking someone, and expect them to come running to you and shower you with TLC. even if they do, you're just so freaking lucky. and you might not be that lucky for the second time. if she allows you to make amends, and for reoccurring times, you sure as hell dont fucking try to be funny.

because she loves you, so much. that she bury that hurt you give, believe and trust that her love for you will be reciprocated, eventually. what a magnanimous love. its rare. it really is.

sigh. i dont know what's gotten into me. im tearing the letters. its just some silly past of mine.. all that ive been through... 5 pages. 5 full pages. cant believe i can pick out events after events just like that. my brain, is so damn amazing.. im tearing it up. at that moment i just had to write it down, till my hands gave in and i scribbled through the last page.. 5years worth of memories.. in 5 full pages, what a coincident. you think?

i was watching grey's earlier on.. and the last bit, Meredith said something that i'd like to share..

"if i love someone, and then it fell apart, i might not make it. its easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love, and then you dont have it? what if you like it, and lean on it? what if you shape your life around it? and then it falls apart. can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage, its like dying. And the only difference is, death ends, and this will go on forever."

this will go on forever. so shoot me.
shoot me right now.

jess.