keeping my sanity.

ive been out most nights, out to eat, walk around.. and i'm always back with a weary body.. im suppose to feel tired and dying, depriving of sleep. but im wide awake.. reading, hugging my ahfats.. writing... but i am tired. i really do. and when dawn comes, everyone's woken up from their satisfying sleep, that included the construction workers too.. drilling, hammering when i am completely drained, exhausted and frustrated with my overactive mind that keeps me up and awake in the unearthly hours. i needed rest. but damnit, i drove out. unbearable pain. inside out.

and then today i came to a stop. like a fuck it stop. im invaded with too many questions. manifested with "?????" and it transformed into "?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!" and finally to "!!!!*^*&(#)*%&!!!!"

this is all too much. im too corrupted with the slightest detail that isnt suppose to be significant.

do not question me for your self-assurance, for i am not a sadhu that can enlighten you.
i do not assure people when i cant even assure anything at all.


do not tell me im avoiding, because i know exactly if i am.
i do not need a narrator in life to tell me my actions.

do not push me too hard, for im sure you'll be blocked out completely.
i do not need you to slap me in the face all the time to tell me that im fucked.

cant you just fucking give me a little more patient and be gentle with me?
if you cant, back the hell off.

jess.

im sorry, ive reached my threshold.